Finding My Truth: A Personal Journey Through Gender Identity

The Decision to Live Authentically

When I first began my transition, I was terrified—just like everyone else starting this journey. But I had always been someone who stood in my truth, and even though I was consumed with anxiety, I knew that living authentically would be infinitely better than living a lie. This fundamental belief became my anchor throughout the entire process.

I've witnessed people at 55 with established families, desperately trying to shield themselves from society while playing a role they were never meant to play. Many wait until later in life—sometimes until their children are grown—before they feel they can finally be themselves. They've done their part as parents and feel they've earned the right to live for themselves.

The Weight of Societal Pressure

The reason so many people transition later in life isn't because they didn't know who they were—it's because the pressure of society is overwhelming. You never know someone's full story: whether their father is abusive, if they come from a strict religious background, or if their environment would leave them homeless and alone if they came out.

Many people have different personalities and coping mechanisms. Some feed off external validation and fear that if they internally change themselves to fit their true puzzle piece, they'll be disowned and left completely alone. In today's economic climate, some people simply cannot build a strong enough support structure to provide for their basic needs if they lose their family and social circle.

This forces many to suppress their truth and continue living a lie, which devastates their mental health and blocks them from opportunities that could have aligned with their authentic selves. It's heartbreaking, but it's reality.

My Personal Awakening

I don't discriminate against people who transition—but I do have strong feelings about those who transition for superficial reasons or because it seems trendy. That's a separate issue that deserves its own discussion.

My journey began with a letter to my mother. I was absolutely terrified because I knew she wouldn't accept my transition. But I pushed through that fear and took that first crucial step. When I did transition, some family members couldn't even look me in the eyes—apparently, seeing me with a beard was more jarring than they had anticipated.

But here's what I realized: I'd rather lose the people in my life who would abandon me over something so fundamental to who I am, and instead attract those who could accept me for who I truly am and respect my pronouns.

Understanding the Spectrum of Identity

Life isn't black and white—there are countless shades and colors, just like people's perspectives on how they navigate life. It's never as simple as "just pick one and decide." That's why we have such diversity in mental health, neurodivergence, physical appearances, and everything else that makes us human. You can't dictate what someone else's life should look like based on your limited understanding.

My Physical Journey and Realizations

I was blessed with certain physical attributes that aligned with my identity—broad shoulders, average male height, and a flat chest—which made passing somewhat easier, though I still had a traditionally pretty face that sometimes complicated things.

Here's something important I discovered about myself: I wasn't attracted to men, but I was intensely drawn to the male body and physique. It wasn't about what was in their pants or their mentality—it was about their physical structure. The deep voice, the chest, abs, legs, calves—the entire anatomy of the male form was what I was attracted to, but not in a sexual way. I was attracted to having that form.

Growing up, I did traditionally masculine activities like boxing, though I presented as very androgynous and feminine. I loved bell-bottom pants, crop tops, hoop earrings, and jewelry. I enjoyed having a very clean face. But as time passed, I grew out my beard to help with passing and reduce the constant misgendering.

The Reality of Respect and Perception

In our society, people treat you differently based on how they perceive your gender, and there are definite levels of respect tied to masculinity and physical presence. If you're a big, muscular, extremely masculine-presenting person, people often show you more respect because they perceive you as someone who could dominate a situation or handle themselves in a fight.

These societal expectations pressure people to mold themselves into these roles, even when it's not authentic to who they are.

Comparing Trans Experiences

While I don't know what it's like to be a trans woman, I understand it's significantly more challenging. For trans men, transitioning from feminine to masculine proportions is like painting black over white. For transgender women, it's the opposite—they often need to keep "painting white," requiring surgeries, dental work, jawline adjustments, and other procedures that can take years.

Trans men might pass more easily because there's a wider range of acceptable male body types. Even trans men with wider hips can often pass because many cisgender men are plus-sized with wider hips but still have flat chests and broad builds. A trans man with a beard and masculine facial structure will generally be perceived as male, even if people are occasionally confused.

Trans women face different challenges—they may need BBLs, have to manage slower metabolisms that keep them very thin with masculine muscle definition, and deal with things like tucking. It's a lot for anyone to handle.

Finding Your Identity Through Community

Finding your gender identity often involves being around supportive groups and learning exactly what you want for yourself. For me, I realized that when my father would choose my brother for certain activities, I felt upset—not because I was jealous of my brother, but because I wanted to be my father's son. My subconscious knew this long before my conscious mind understood it.

I wanted to be called "he/him," though initially it felt very strange. Don't feel bad if new pronouns feel uncomfortable at first—some things are uncomfortable when you start, but they become natural and affirming with time.

The Importance of Authentic Relationships

Even if changing your appearance makes people perceive you as a "middle-aged lesbian" instead of how you see yourself, what matters is having friends who respect your pronouns. If you don't have those friends yet, simply correct people when they misgender you. If someone refuses to respect your pronouns, remove yourself from that situation—you don't want that negativity in your life alignment.

You will find your people. You will find those who will call you "he/him" consistently. When my friends occasionally misgender me (not intentionally, but because they knew me before), they ask if they should apologize. I tell them no—just correct yourself and keep the conversation moving. Excessive apologies can actually make transgender people feel more targeted and visible in ways they might not want.

Embracing Authenticity in Presentation

Despite being internally drawn to masculine activities like boxing, rapping, fighting, wrestling, building, construction, and mechanical work, I still love presenting in an androgynous way. I love boho-style skirts, wraps, and androgynous fashion. I like keeping my hair long.

For me, it was about wanting to be perceived as a feminine man rather than a feminine woman. Even if people see me as a gay man (though I date women), I want them to accept me as I am—someone who can be both feminine in presentation and masculine in capability.

It's not an excuse to not know how to change a tire, replace a car battery, put up shelves, or handle basic mechanical tasks. Many cisgender men claim masculinity but can only dominate conversations—they can't actually do the practical work that traditionally defines masculine capability.

For me, being a man isn't about what's in your pants or how you dress—it's about what you do for your people and whether you step up when situations demand it. I prove people wrong constantly because true masculinity is about providing for and protecting your family, regardless of your physical attributes.

Final Thoughts

You can still be a man while wearing a dress. Gender identity is complex, personal, and valid regardless of how it manifests. Everyone's story is different, and sharing these experiences helps others who might be struggling with similar questions.

The most important thing I've learned is that authenticity requires courage, but the alternative—living a lie—is far more devastating than any temporary discomfort or social challenges you might face during transition.

Your truth is valid. Your journey is yours alone. And you deserve to live authentically, whatever that looks like for you.

This blog post is part of an ongoing series sharing personal experiences and insights about transgender life. Stay tuned for more stories and practical advice from the Transllusions community.